A Picture, A Memory, A Different Me

Today, a picture from my Facebook memories popped up, and honestly—it punched me in the gut.

It was from the 2010s, my 30s. The most insecure, exciting, and pathetic time of my life. I’m not going to sugarcoat it—that’s exactly how I feel. I look back at that woman in the photo, and I don’t even recognize her anymore. So much has changed for the better. They say your past makes you who you are now, and that’s for darn sure.

When I see myself in that picture, I have to take full responsibility for the choices I made. I had walked away from Church. I drank too much, often until I was hungover. I cared far too much about impressing friends. I sang in a band, convincing myself I was amazing, when in reality I was just… average. Mediocre. But at the time, I was convinced I had “star power.” I chased after the fantasy of getting noticed, landing a record deal, touring the world, maybe even winning a Grammy. I even helped spend money on a demo that went absolutely nowhere.

Eventually, reality hit, and I was shattered. All that time and energy I poured into those years felt wasted. Taking band photos. Keeping tickets from our gigs. Decorating an entire guest room dedicated to the Band and my love for Music. Makes me feel ashamed. Stupid. Embarrassed. Im the loser in this story. The pathetic loser who thought she was so cool. Left with a music room was just a constant reminder of my delusion. I’m not famous and never will be. I never touched my guitar again. It sits in a new guest room along with my original written songs. It’s been 5 years. I have completely given up on making music. I desperately want to go back in time and decline that offer to join a band. I should have stayed focus on what was really important. Maybe starting a Family. Buying a house sooner. I was too busy having “fun” every weekend and thinking what an amazing life I had. Again, I take full responsibility. No one put a gun to my head.

Back then, all I wanted was to drink, party, sing, and dance. I felt so cool, like some hippie chick from the ‘60s. I was in a band, performing on stage, earning a few dollars here and there, and thinking I was living the dream. And honestly, in that moment, I loved it. The original songs, building setlists, learning a little guitar on the side—it was thrilling. But its over now.

Back to this picture. I wouldn’t be friends with that woman today. Not because she wasn’t nice, but because I don’t want that lifestyle anymore. I’ve changed. I’ve cut way back on drinking. I’m careful how I present myself to the world & social media. I spend more time with my family, I read the Word, and I regularly attend Church.

This is the best version of myself. What I’ve always wanted to be. The version that feels like Home.